How Sandwiched Boomers Can Launch Their Boomerang "Kidult"

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. & Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

Now that semester break has come and gone, the kids should be out of the house and back at school. But wait! What about the one who is still at home, his or her college degree neatly tucked away? Are you in the midst of a replay of the big screen comedy "Failure to Launch" and finding it not so funny? You're not alone.

Millions of fledgling adults, often called "kidults," have graduated from college but are not living independently. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, 25% of young adults between the ages of 18 and 34 still lived with their parents. Young people are studying longer and marrying later, postponing adulthood through their 20's. Here's how this extended period of dependency can affect relationships.

Steve remembers how he longed for those empty-nester days once his son had moved home after graduation. He reflected on their attempts at resolving differences:"The guidelines our son was interested in discussing were not the ones my wife and I had set down. He said he hoped we wouldn't tie up the computer or spoil his dog. He also asked that we leave the bathroom fan off when we shower so the noise wouldn't wake him. We (Steve and his wife) hardly had a chance to talk."

It's called triangulation when your relationship as a couple has to accommodate your emerging adult child. Triangulation often results in less privacy and spontaneity for you and your partner. It will serve you well to establish new patterns of interacting and parenting.

Beth realized, "We can't treat her as if she's a teenager but we also don't intend to lose sleep worrying about whether she's OK. Unless we can agree on some reasonable curfew, this living arrangement just isn't going to work."

Jill had been a single mom since her three children were young teens. Once her last child went to college she felt free to move in with her partner. "When my middle daughter lost her job and could no longer afford to live alone, I didn't have the heart to say no to her. But with the chaos that ensued, I soon regretted my decision. As I recognized that my growing resentment was affecting all of us, I drew a line in the sand. We defined the house rules, split up the chores and set a firm deadline for her moving out. Now we try to openly and regularly air the issues and our feelings."

Like Jill, you can take a stand:

1. Establish areas of accountability and appropriate boundaries. This will smooth the wrinkles of day-to-day living. Having rules in place will allow you to detach more emotionally and the freedom to reclaim your life.

2. Insist that your kidults face their own challenges. At times 'tough love' is the most effective support parents can give. Jane's son moved back home after his separation and expected his mother to handle his laundry, shopping and cleaning like his wife had. Jane insisted he learn to take care of himself. "We set some things straight and made it clear that he has to take responsibility for himself. We created a chart like the one when the kids were in grade school. I have not backed down and so far we are all still here, trying to make our complicated situation work."

3. Create a timetable for financial independence. Financial assistance comes with a price for all - with potential conflict around issues of co-dependency, control and unsolicited advice. Jack commented, "Our daughter wants to live rent free but won't listen to our advice about how to get back on her feet. Our plan is that she will be on her own within six months, and we're going to stick to that."

4. Commit to a concrete plan to move the family toward common goals. This requires the willingness to work as a team and compromise. When you put limits and deadlines into place, the result is less conflict. According to a 2006 Money/ICR poll, 60% of Americans believe that college graduates should be allowed to move back home, but only for up to a year, and 57% state that parents should charge them rent.

5. Find the right balance between offering support and taking care of yourselves. Sally and Gary were enjoying more time together when the last of their children left home. These pleasures were short lived. When their daughter separated and wanted to move back, they initially felt that they couldn't turn her away. It wasn't long before their patience wore thin, and they knew they had no choice. "Our daughter got lazy. She wouldn't look for work and made little effort to help out. We eventually insisted that she find other arrangements. We felt guilty and spent a lot of time discussing our decision. But we have waited forever for this period in our lives and we don't plan to miss it."

6. Learn the valuable lesson of letting go. Once you have done all you can to prepare your boomerang kidults to be on their own, let go of your resistance and act. Launching them is an opportunity for all of you. And you deserve to tap into deferred dreams, ignite old passions and imagine the adventures that lie ahead.

A Note from the Authors: As we sift through the changes that accompany our family transitions - kids growing up, going to college, getting married, the illness and death of our parents, the birth of grandchildren - we listen, understand, support and bear witness to each other's joy and pain.

Through it all we've had questions and searched for answers. Probably just like you. Long discussions about our challenges led to conversations with other women. And our website and blog became the market research, universal woman the focus group. The first face-to-face interview was in Vietnam, the last in Africa.

Being on the same journey has given us further insight into ourselves and our family relationships. We've been around long enough to look back and see how we got here. And we've lived the real-life solutions for the problems women confront.

Other Articles by Rosemary & Phyllis:

Caring for an Aging Parent with Dementia, Alzheimers, Stroke
How Boomers can Sing "Rock & Roll" Instead of the Blues
Taking a Staycation
Michael Jackson and the High Cost of Fame
Survive the New Economy with Shared Housing
What We Can Learn from Ted Kennedy

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.

www.HerMentorCenter.com
Blog: www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com
Los Angeles, California

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