Survive a Tough Economy with
Shared Housing
Multi-generational households are making a comeback
for Boomers in the Sandwich Generation - especially
with the lack of jobs available for new college graduates
and the financial pinch felt by aging parents as their
retirement incomes dwindle. Don't be disappointed if
you were dreaming about the empty nest. This new living
arrangement can reduce stress, with more family members
sharing household responsibilities, financial expenses
and emotional support. That is, as long as guidelines
are clearly set in the beginning and upheld.
Families today are facing a new kind of housing crisis
as the economy continues to be problematic. When one
spouse in a two-career marriage loses a job, making
the monthly mortgage payment becomes difficult, especially
for Sandwiched Boomers. Senior citizens who have been
able to pay for housing from their retirement accounts
must cut back on that expense when their retirement
funds are down by 50%. When a mortgage begun with an
artificially low interest figure calls for a rate increase
or a balloon payment, the cost becomes prohibitive for
the nuclear family.
These scenarios are not about Gen X and Gen Y kidults
boomeranging back home, with connotations of immaturity
or irresponsibility. Rather they reflect adults struggling
with the real effects of a global financial meltdown
not faced in over 75 years. An AARP study revealed that
more than 1/4 of the foreclosures and delinquencies
last year occurred among those 50 and over. These seniors
and their adult children are looking carefully at what
to do to ease the economic woes that have hit everyone
hard.
Some younger families are moving in with their parents,
pooling their funds for mortgage payments. In other
cases, seniors are giving up their individual, larger
homes and moving into 'granny flats' or guest suites
on their children's property. Irrespective of the type
of arrangement and reason for combining two families
into one home, some serious planning is needed before
taking the plunge. Here are 6 tips to put into play
before sharing daily life with extended family:
1. Have a family meeting to
set guidelines before you move in together.
Be frank and honest about your needs. You'll each be
giving up some autonomy and control so you can expect
to have situations where push comes to shove. Present
your positions for the best and worst case scenarios.
Then decide how you want to compromise so that everyone
gets some of what they want. Put any absolute deal breakers
out on the table so they can be discussed in detail.
2. Set boundaries so that
everyone's privacy is respected. Living together
with roommates in a college dorm is one thing but sharing
space with adult family members can get awkward. Identify
signals to use when one of you wants to be alone. The
last time you all lived together, the circumstances
were quite different. Old issues around power or dependency
can resurface in this close environment, particularly
when there may be a difference of opinion about how
to handle issues with children/grandchildren.
3. Work out a schedule for
shared responsibilities, chores and finances.
Gain consensus about making the division of labor equitable.
When children/grandchildren are part of the mix, arrive
at a clear timetable with regard to babysitting so that
no one feels exploited. The multi-generational experience
can foster a closer relationship between grandparents
and grandchildren, with the middle generation being
able to step away from some care-giving tasks.
4. Respect the needs of everyone
involved. When each person feels heard, it
takes away some of the frustration stemming from the
lack of control. You can be supportive to one another
just by listening even if you don't agree with the reason
for the complaint. Use the techniques of active listening
and sending I-messages.
5. Think about the problems
that can arise and make a Plan B. Just because
you all are having some difficulty with the new living
arrangements doesn't mean you have to discard the entire
idea. Continue to schedule family meetings to discuss
the issues and conflicts. Lack of privacy, intruding
on other family members' boundaries and unwanted advice
are often sore points.
6. Be flexible and learn to
love compromise and cooperation. Look at
the situation from the perspective of other family members
as you work on understanding their positions. You are
all in this together and while you may not get exactly
what you want, you can work out a solution that is good
for everyone.
Generations living together can lead to a win-win situation.
Even with the potential costs of remodeling to accommodate
both families, maintaining one household rather than
two creates considerable savings. And other positive
outcomes develop. Support generated on both sides can
serve as the foundation for resolving past misunderstandings,
making forgiveness easier to accomplish. The close bonding
allows for building rich memories to savor over the
years. And the expression of gratitude is good for both
giver and receiver. As the older generation continues
to age, these times can be the impetus for planning
care by a newly sandwiched generation, with grandchildren
pitching in to help.
Other Articles by Rosemary & Phyllis:
Launching
your "Kidult"
Caring for
an Aging Parent with Dementia, Alzheimers, Stroke
How Boomers
can Sing "Rock & Roll" Instead of the
Blues
Taking a Staycation
Michael Jackson
and the High Cost of Fame
What We Can
Learn from Ted Kennedy
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman,
Ph.D.
www.HerMentorCenter.com
Blog: www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com
Los Angeles, California
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